Here we are just having passed Halloween, which is also All Souls Day and Dio de los Muertos.  These holidays serve both culturally and spiritually as a time to reflect on those who have died.  Which usually brings up feelings about how we are going on without them.  So, in this article, I’ll offer a few tidbits about making a new path in your life after someone dies.

First, I think it is helpful to acknowledge that “bittersweet” describes a lot of every day moments in the first few years after a person dies.  The first birthday without them — its sweet to remember them, but bitter to recall the hard times.  Thanksgiving — the sweetness of what was shared, and the bitterness of their absence.  In a spiritual life, letting the bitter and the sweet exist together is part of the journey of living fully the truth of human existence.  So, when you feel your heart is aching and singing at the same time, know that can be a gift of the Spirit.

Second, when we enter a new chapter in our lives, our brain cells literally have to build new circuitry.  And this takes time.  Sleep allows the biochemical processes to occur.  Sometimes people fear getting depressed and staying in bed all the time while grieving.  But, a healthy habit of resting and sleeping is not the same as depression.  It allows your spirit to be renewed.  Winter is a time of rest and sleep for much of Creation here in the northern hemisphere.  Let yourself go with this natural cycle for some healthy hibernation.

Third, grief and shock often go hand in hand.  During shock, you may be reeling from adjusting to a new reality that you wish hadn’t happened.  While tending your own wounds, you may be aware that others around you are also grieving.  But many people report that they just don’t have the capacity to help the other people in their circle of family and friends who are also grieving.  This is usually temporary.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t a compassionate person.  It just means that for a while, your grieving is different.

Fourth, loneliness is both a spiritual and a psychological issue.  When we lose the people that had kept us company, we may face a loneliness that feels so deep that it is beyond human consolation.  Perhaps this is why humans throughout centuries have found solace in connecting to a Force of Love and Life that is greater than all of us.  Ultimately, we are not alone, although on this human plane we are each alone in our unique human experience.  Many people who have rebuilt their lives after a time of grief report that the loneliness becomes familiar, and a part of each day that no longer limits them.

And, indeed, ultimately, two things are true:  we are not alone, and we do have a unique life experience that no one else has.  You have a unique story.  The theme of ministry in our church during Thanksgiving is “story.”  Let your story-telling be a source of healing and connection.  Tell the hard stories, the funny stories, and the stories that still don’t make sense.  Be a listener for other people’s stories.

So, my friends, as you go from Halloween to Thanksgiving to the winter holidays, if you find you are feeling sad all the time because of a lost love, my wish is for you to find solace in the beauty of the cycle of life.  The sadness is one chapter in your story for now.  The same delight and connection that some people find in the holidays, is a heartache for others.  You can give a gift to someone by simply asking them how they are feeling about their loved one who has died.  And you can give a gift to others by telling them your memories of those who are no longer here.  Our spirituality embraces both grief and joy.  There is room for both.

—Rev. Alex McGee, Assistant Minister

Alexandra McGee serves our congregation half time as Assistant Minister.  She is available for pastoral care appointments by calling the church at 293-8179 x2 or writing alex@uucharlottesville.org.