On January 12th, 2007 my mother passed away from liver cancer. I had just returned to Virginia after visiting with my parents in Florida when my sister called with the news. My mother had been declining for a while so we knew it was coming. During my visit, I was able to show my mother the sonograms of her soon-to-be grandchild, my first child, before she passed.

It was a hell of a way to start the New Year. Little did we know.

On January 13th, the day after my mom died, my father’s youngest brother Edmond passed away unexpectedly in his home in Australia. This was another blow to the Skally Clan already in mourning. My father, sisters, and I were dealing with my mother’s death and funeral planning so we couldn’t go to Edmund’s funeral overseas. It was especially hard for my father to miss his brother’s funeral, but what could we do?

On April 7th, 2007 one of my father’s two oldest friends passed away. I went with my father to his funeral. We spent the time after talking about his friend and how funny he was.

On June 13th, 2007 my oldest daughter was born and we gave her the middle name of Marie to honor my mother. My dad drove up from Florida to hold his granddaughter. At this point, he had already been diagnosed with stage three pancreatic cancer but did not tell me until later when he was back in Florida.

On July 7th, 2007 my father’s oldest brother Frank died. My father was in declining spirits and health, so I drove to Buffalo to represent him at Frank’s funeral. Once again, my father was heartbroken at not being able to go to his brother’s funeral.

On October 16th, 2007 my father passed away. I was able to be there with him in his last moments. My sisters were there too and we comforted each other.

To say 2007 was difficult for the Skally family is an understatement. For me, the only bright spots that year had been the birth of my daughter and seeing my dad hold her for the first and only time. After my father’s interment in Arlington, we had a celebration of his life. My father’s two remaining brothers Bernard and John had flown over from Ireland to be with us. My father’s remaining best friend (and my godfather) Jim gathered with us as well. That night we shared stories about my dad. We played some of his favorite music. We laughed hard and we cried hard and we felt a little better. I felt a little bit better. We had made a new bright spot in a dark year.

A person’s capacity for resilience is exponentially strengthened by having a support network to rely on. What helped me get through 2007 was relying on that network. I was able to talk and be with my wife, family, and friends. Talking about your pain, giving a name to it, and knowing that others feel the same helps the healing. Having family and friends around you makes difficult times bearable. Grief’s heavy burden is lessened when shared.

On July 11th, 2020 my Uncle Bernard passed away. Uncle Bernard was like a second father to me. He and my father were the closest in age and temperament. Two peas in a pod as my grandmother would say. As long as Bernard was alive in ireland, it was like my dad was still alive over there too. Bernard’s death hit me hard, but not as hard as it hit Bernard’s immediate family. Uncle Bernard has five kids. Three are in Ireland, but one is in Wales, and one is in America.

While 2020 has not been as fatal to the Skally Clan as 2007, it has still been a difficult year for all and has created all-new challenges. With the pandemic, my cousins stuck abroad could not go over to Ireland to mourn. Gatherings for funerals in Ireland are limited to forty people, social distanced, and last only for 15 minutes. Still, a short service is tangible. Even a short service carries meaning through participation and shared experience. My cousins living away from Ireland were denied that. Instead, we had a Zoom meeting, where the funeral was going to be streamed.

His daughters living far away in America and Wales were in the Zoom meeting. They were deep in the well of grief. My sisters and I were there. Our cousins in Australia and New Zealand were there. It was 6 am in America, 11 am in Wales and Ireland, 8 pm in Australia and midnight in New Zealand.

A Zoom meeting is not my first choice of ways to grieve. I would have loved to be there in person and hugged my cousins. But we rarely get to choose the circumstances of life. We just need to adapt. In that Zoom meeting, we had come together literally from across the globe in shared sorrow. It was the first time I had ever spoken to the Australian side of the family and it was nice to put voices to the faces I had only seen in pictures, even if the circumstances were sad. We waited together for the service to start.

Unfortunately, we did not get to see the service. The beautiful and ancient stone and brick architecture of the church in Ireland did little to facilitate adequate Wi-Fi strength. They could not stream the service as planned; there was no signal. My heart broke for my cousins. They looking for some kind of release from their grief, and now it was denied.

This could have been disastrous. This could have made a bad situation worse. But we adapted. We relied on the support structure of our family to share our grief. We took turns telling stories about Bernard. We played his favorite songs. We created meaning through participation and shared experience. We laughed hard and we cried hard and we felt a little bit better. We left the Zoom meeting with tears in our eyes but with smiles on our faces. We made a new bright spot in a dark year.

It’s almost inevitable that feelings of grief and loneliness will weigh you down during this period of insanity known colloquially as the year 2020. Reach out. Test your support network. If you don’t have a network, start one. Use the congregation and the staff here at TJMC-UU to be your support. Join our online Zoom services. Join a covenant group. Emailing Connections@UUCharlottesville.org is a great way to see what kind of support is available. That is one of the reasons this congregation exists, to support each other. While these times are hard and connecting online isn’t our first choice, remember we rarely get to choose the circumstances of life; we just need to adapt. Get the tools and support you need to adapt and make your own bright spot in a dark year.

Sean Skally is our Director of Administration and Finance at UU Charlottesville
He can be reached by email at daf@uucharlottesville.org.

In the summer I would sometimes tag along with my dad to his work. He was career military, a Sergeant Major in the Army, and I would get to see his desk in Fort Belvoir and meet his co-workers. When he was at his job he seemed to possess this sense of ease. Everyone seemed to want to come up and say “Hi!” to him, or just wave and smile at him. He would always smile broadly and share a joke and a laugh and move on. I would be in wide-eyed awe of my father’s casual coolness, and how respected he was at his job. I knew my father as a benevolent authoritarian at home; loving but stern. He would tell me how important it was to work hard and be productive. He would tell me how you should treat everyone with respect and make sure to listen to authority. To see this side of him was… weird. I had previously imagined him stern faced and straight backed at work. Since we were at his work he had to be serious, right? It was the Army after all. He should be barking orders at his subordinates; not smiling and shaking hands and sharing jokes with friends. He retired after 26 years in the Army and although he had some rough times he said he would do it all over again. When I was older I asked him about his time in the Army and how he was able to seem so comfortable in that military setting. He said he valued what he did and he felt he made a difference. He told me that aside from his family the military was the best thing that happened to him. He told me that the Army was a big part of him and he felt at home when he was there, like he belonged.

In the winter of 2001 I was looking for another job to help pay the bills. My income as an archaeological field technician was dependent on the weather, and the weather had been bad. I applied as an hourly team member to a major big box retailer. The manager who interviewed me thought I had potential and hired me as an area supervisor. I fell in love with the company that was progressive in it’s values, paid well above the minimum wage, and encouraged me to learn and grow as a manager. I worked hard and I took any feedback sent my way as a challenge. Within six months I was promoted to a salaried position. Thoughts of going back to being a field technician disappeared totally. It seemed that my potential at the company had no limit. My parents were proud that I had a well-paying, stable career and I enjoyed taking them out to dinner, on my dime, for the first time. I traveled all over Virginia with the company opening stores, helping stores that were struggling, and training up and coming leaders. My career was going great, and I was making good money. I had found the place where I belonged.

In the span of the next 10 years I met and married my wife Laura, we had two awesome kids, and both of my parents passed. As Laura and I were building our home and my personal life was spectacular, my professional life started to struggle. In those ten years there was a change in corporate management. The overall corporate values and attitude turned away from being “the best employer ever giving our customers the best experience ever” to the “best for the shareholders ever.” I know the importance of increasing profit margins, but the company fell for the “profit over people” fallacy of places like Wal-Mart. Now the company paid only minimum wage. Soon they cut benefits, hours, and jobs. Customer complaints rose like they never before. People who used to be employed for decades were either leaving or being pushed out of the company. Promoting from within was more difficult because turnover was increasing rapidly. The company was extremely profitable but it acted like a company going bankrupt. It felt like the only reason to keep cutting was to show shareholders ever-increasing profits. I voiced my concerns about how this ever-ending growth in profit margin was unsustainable and we need to make sure we are still meeting the basic needs of the customers without overworking and underpaying the employees. I was basically told that speaking up for my employees, no matter how diplomatically, was “unwise” for my future with the company. My personal health deteriorated as I struggled to go to work at a place that felt wrong to me. I met every workday with dread and a feeling of helplessness. Laura urged me to leave the company. Laura saw my hesitation and reminded me of our family motto: “Laura is always right.” (I know it’s our family motto because she told me it was.) With her help I realized that the company was not where I belonged. I am proud to say that I left the company after 13 years on good terms with excellent performance reviews. I worked a few jobs after Target, but I was still looking for something that felt right.

Late last year, Laura saw the posting for the DAF position at the church and told me to apply. I was reluctant since I never worked in a church before and most of my skills were in running large teams in multi-million dollar buildings. We were a part of the UU Church in Waynesboro previously, and we liked the values of Unitarian Universalism. I knew I had the skills that were needed for the DAF position, but I was unsure of what the dynamics of congregation-church-staff relationships would be like. Once again Laura saw my hesitation. She told me it would be a great fit for me and reminded me of our family motto: “Laura is always right.” I applied that day.

As I approach my first year anniversary with this congregation I think of all the people I have interacted with. The staff has been incredibly welcoming and friendly and I am amazed at their dedication to this congregation. I see them go above and beyond every day and it inspires me to do the same. I’ve worked with volunteers and committees who are passionate and compassionate and are living the UU values every single day. I think about the people who I have talked to in my role as DAF and how pleasant and appreciative they are. I feel valued and supported in my role by the Board of Trustees. In my short time employed at this congregation I have never felt more appreciated and respected at a place of employment in my life. I feel proud that the values of this congregation matches its actions, and how everyone is working to make this congregation and fellowship the best it can be.

Thank you for letting me work here. Thank you for making me feel appreciated and valued. I am grateful and honored to be employed here. I feel excited when I come to work. I feel valued. I feel like I am making a difference. Laura is always right. I feel like I belong.

Respectfully,
Sean T. Skally
Director of Administration and Finance, TJMC-UU
DAF@UUCharlottesville.org

Helping and connecting with others while maintaining social distance. A guide for the Introvert.

March 24, 2020

It would be safe for one to assume that since I am an introvert I would be inured or even predisposed to isolation and confinement. It’s true, that when my social batteries run dry, the best way for me to recharge is in the quiet solitude of being alone. However, when I rise from my social torpor, I crave interaction. I love being with my family and friends. I enjoy coming to work and being with fellow staff, volunteers, and congregants. I also find my own self-worth and personal gratification tied to helping others.

Regardless of my personal and social desires, I strive and need to be useful to others. It’s hard to feel useful or even valued if you are isolated. Needing to reach out and connect is a basic need for social creatures. Each of us will have to figure out how we can stay safe, flatten the curve, and yet nourish the need for human connection during this period of isolation.

During the social distancing, I have decided that the best way I can be useful and help others is to encourage, train, and facilitate online meetings. I will continue to work on all of my responsibilities as DAF, but I also feel the need to help the congregation stay connected. I have set up an account with Zoom, an online meeting platform, that is specifically made to enable the social groups of the church to continue to meet. The use of the account can be reserved just like reserving a room on our church website. Just use “Zoom” as the room requested.

Joining a Zoom meeting is as simple as clicking a link in an email, you do not have to create an account and there is no cost to you. If you want to create an account, it is still free if you just want to participate in meetings. I know that for many of you, this will be a new experience. Some may need help in getting familiar with the program, or to learn online meeting etiquette, or just practice with the program. Some of you may want to learn how to run a meeting. I have started to lead online training classes for the congregation on how to use Zoom. Links to upcoming online training for Zoom will be at the end of this section.

If you want more one-on-one help, please email me Sean@UUCharlottesville.org or call me 434-293-8179 and we will set up an over-the-phone training.

While we are continuing to stay connected online, there are those in our congregation for whom safe, personal contact remains necessary. This pandemic affects some of us much harder than others, and we are working on making sure no one in our congregation is forgotten. Joyfully, there are many within the congregation that feel the same way.

Right before the temporary closing of the church property, I met with Rev. Alex and Sandy B. of CareNet to figure out how to best assist members who might be the most affected by the pandemic. We identified and contacted many of the church groups who would be best able to help us in our mission.

I am pleased to say that currently, the COVID-19 volunteers have identified and contacted 19 of our most vulnerable members and have organized 22 volunteers to help with any activities, chores, or check-ins. We will make sure to stay within CDC guidelines to the best of our ability. If you need assistance, know of a member who needs assistance, or if you would like to volunteer, please contact me at the above email or Sandy B. at CareNet@UUCharlottesville.org.

Download Zoom:
https://zoom.us/download

Online Zoom Training with Sean:

Friday, March 27th @ 11am
https://zoom.us/j/689194378

Friday, March 27th @ 6pm
https://zoom.us/j/889044960

Monday, March 30th @ 11am
https://zoom.us/j/871967581

Thank you. Stay safe and stay connected.

Respectfully,

Sean T. Skally
Director of Administration and Finance, TJMC-UU
DAF@UUCharlottesville.org
Office Phone:434-293-8179 Ext: 6
Office Hours: M, W, F 9:00 am – 4:00 pm